ongoing (lmk if you wanna pay to publish this pls) :p :p


i dedicate this writing to my editor and chief E. Thoren



-------------------------------- my timing is divine

Well yes timing is divine the problem is that I'm the only one who understands that who lives by that
My timing is divine
Things are getting more and more complicated
Life does not get easier with age cause the more you grow the more you know and you get very sick of knowing and wanna go back to just feeling everything
Knowing is stupifying
I become zombie, lobotomy, and I'm poor and unsuccessful and ask for funding for art studies and I never became a professional at anything so I'm totally unworthy cause I can't make money and change the world
I am not interesting anymore now that I do not even feel anything I am nothing I am just access to google but without any unique skill
I work in a cafe but I'm not even good at making coffee cause the way I've done it for the past 10 years is the wrong way according to my new employer I need to unlearn all that so I'm not a barista now either
I am a dreamer because I hate real life because I'm never satisfied because I'm bored and restless
I better become a rock star and play like a man but be a woman cause people will think I'm cool and daring to challenge gender roles when really I just wanna know wtf I'm doing and I wanna get money and I wanna travel and get laid and feel fab



------------------------- voyages in the dream realm

February 1

dear sir madam

how splendid to hear from you, dear mister sir. you truly are a sir I deeply revere.

Since imagination does not exist in this city I am currently a resident in, I take refuge in my dream world every night. Thus, I ask you, dear mr sir, to allow me to share with you some of my recent voyages in the dream realm. Dreams might be rather odd and intimate compared to waking life, hence I certainly hope you will not feel offended by this.

Perhaps I shall issue a trigger warning as following themes might occur; racism, blood, violence, animal abuse

Dream #1

a gorgeous black man (similar to morpheus in matrix) was naked in a small white room where i had placed him on the bed and I think we were meant to be lovers in my film project. i thought about how sexy he was, but there was nothing sexual about the dream - it was conceptual. there was a camera, and i was watching us both through the camera. the man was an object. maybe i was too. it was anti physical, anti-emotional.

This leads me to think about how my subconscious is speaking to me about the fact that my consciousness is dominating my subconsciousness. i'm assuming art education, for this very reason, is the utmost unsexy subject one could possibly study, as it makes one question everything from above without touch. My dear sir, how i miss ignorance..... to comment further, I am going to propose that perhaps sexiness lives in failure? sexiness, therefore, equals vulnerability? Thus, i may try to make my whole life about failure, be a sexy loser, which is why the internet hates me, until the day i embrace the internet realm and make it my success, and then the internet shall love me, but i shall hate myself. I am eternal opposer it seems. Please cure me.

Dream #2

After being nice and cooking for some people, one of them is planning to kill me and everyone around me gives me painkillers so that it won't hurt. I get angry and say I can't just accept dying and walk away trying to find the nearest bus stop that will get me to work on time.

Dream #3

As a result of someone not believing in my witchcraft (it was more like someone rolling their eyes at the fact that i spoke about past life regression and having been a plant medicine water woman (?)) I took it out on the cat I was babysitting, I was annoyed yelling at the cat and patting it violently and the cat got scared of course and I felt sooooo bad

Dream #4

I felt sick and had to blow my nose. Out came a flood of blood. I still had to work. I was a musician in a very modern environment. I had to carry all my large and heavy instruments around and there was no inspiration. Then I came to paradise which was a tropical beach at sunset. I received lots of hugs from people who might have noticed I needed love but it really bothered me that all people were couples, there with their partners and so paradise made me feel shit cause I didn't really fit.


Please do allow these dreams to speak for me as my current circumstances make me an utterly lost human being, needing to dedicate most of my waking hours to administrative matters in the same city where karl marx wrote das kapital.

All the best to you and your endeavours.

With love and compassion, til we speak again

Madam Vida



--------------------------------------- daddy

February 25

My dear sir madam

TRIGGER WARNING (mentions of rape, suicide, guns, warfare, blasphemy + occasional swearing)

It is especially special to hear from you on such a day, in such times.

Words certainly do fail to describe the immensity of world events such as these (happening close to US) though allow me to attempt expression. Please bear in mind, dear sir, that whatever feelings might be transmitted to you through this attempt, come from a rather ill and infectious place in my psyche. However one must make the claim that to feel well or healthy in such times is more ill than feeling ill.

First of all, I would like to respond by stating that change IS the ONLY possibility. But before this statement lies the element of choice. I am expressing my idea aka my personality aka the way to excuse everything I say. Neutrality is also a lie. I do still wonder whether I chose this personality, or whether God did, or whether I am God or whether God is in me.

All I can say these days is - maybe! is - I don't know! is - possibly! I'm bendy, fluid, I do yoga, and as I sit in my yogic squat, I contemplate how this will improve sexual intercourse with that guy who ghosted me. Hip openers, heart openers - teachings of gays, gals, gurus - to strive to become softer, more bendy, flexi, to be touched, to be moved, to be led, to listen. Which is why the world is run by straight men, because they don't. They think muscles improve sex. Their machine body like machine gun. Because they think they know. Because they believe they can open their third eye chakra without first opening their heart chakra. This leads to severe consequences such as techno, shit pornography and Jeff Bezos. All is fake, except your mama. She knows. Mamas know. I would like a world run by mamas.

Putin where's your mama? The world of daddy issues. Trump's son loves his father. American army of daddy issues. During the Trump era truth was uncomfortably in yo face. Many men around me found it hard to believe this truth.

The phallic skyscraper of JP Morgan. I was not allowed in, because no manicure. Because dirty shoes. Because no money. No ID (IDENTITY). Who are people? Robot dreams. Urban Eden. Slay the animal and buy a uniform. Become part of function, harmony. I am wild woman so am danger to it all, the prevailing order. Which is why that guy never replied to me, cause I was SERIOUSly into him that freaked him out cause he only feels until he decides not to feel. Essentially zombie. I KNOW he wanted me but more so he wanted CONTROL.

When the world is ending I love more. I love stronger. I love now.

When the world is ending. Go fuck yourself. No more. Finally go fuck me. Me me me. I want to tell him, the straight wannabe queer hot boy drummer > the only way out is in.

When pandemic began joy division's song isolation came to mind because of its timely topic, but as soon as I listened to it, I asked myself whether Ian Curtis had ever thought of changing the lyrics to "Isolation! Masturbation!". Then again, that might not have been his message. He sang about isolation, though according to the movie called 'Control' he still had sex. And he had two girlfriends. Then he killed himself. Now war has come. When are men gonna learn to fuck for real? Sex = love me or rape me. Sorry to be blunt :( I wrote a poem on the topic:

life is work
sex is work
all is work
and you do it so well.

Now there is war on our continent. Wannabe union has failed. Let me come talk at your conference. Give a presentation on I love dick > worldly issues. Dear sir, seems as tho one has to solve core issues always > hope + ignorance never worked. Poser world. Make words mean something again pls.

Kate Bush sings 'it doesn't hurt me, ye ye ye yo' in an epic modern symphony. Mid 80s was when superstars had the courage to show themselves powerfully vulnerable aka wild and desperate about to totally break apart and die or conquer the whole mthrfckn universe > meanwhile nuclear and gay scare ate their world. Daddy issues are rather ancient though magnified during technocratic times. Since when did cool become chill? What will change now that the masses shall no longer pretend their world is a safe place? Back to another normal > ADHDism > let's ALL BREAK APART?

Let us measure world improvements since Nietzsche stated that god was dead. I currently find myself riding through an urban landscape of abbriviated code names such as HSBC, JP MORGAN, NORTHERN TRUST and other phallic structures made of reflective glass aiming not to reveal their inside but rather to penetrate the sky and inform us of our postmodern God. Soon they will go to live and levitate above the planet, claiming there is no such thing as religion, while secretly, finally achieving their desire to be angels. I'd rather roll around in the mud, which makes me essentially satan. Dirty rebel of the underworld (dirty underdog? Is satan an underdog?). There is also the likelihood that the entire planet is soon to be a lake of fire. We finally descended to hell. Perhaps satanism has lessons for us all? Though I must say - I unfortunately do not find them very fashionable, but then again, everything can change.

If there is anything positive with situations worsening, it might be that people will stop listening to spoiled kids sharing boring conspiracy theories on Facebook.

O my dear madam sir, I will say it once more, I do not know, which is to say - the future is yet to be decided. If there is a God, then I assume their spirit is a passive one, patiently waiting for the boys to come home and say sorry. If only Kate Bush could have swapped places with God. My housemate says Kate Bush is crazy. He also says the middle ages were darker times than now. I guess I know as little as he does to confirm this - however, what I would like to know is why this matters to us now? Is it a desire for optimism (which in this case I would refer to as hope + ignorance) or is it exclusion of alternatives i.e. this is at least better than that? Daddy daddy daddy it might all be the same to me, to the animals and to Kate Bush.

Do not victimise me and my fellow animals, but become me instead. Listen and bend into me me ME > downward dog, cat cow, horse, pigeon, cobra. Let us take over the streets.

Until soon my dear madam sir.

Sincerely yours,

Madam Vida